The following should keep you in stitches. A bad pun, we know, but at least it has you smiling. As well the many sewing, knitting, quilting and yarn puns and jokes we have assembled here. One word of warning, we did not plagiarize but kept the wording close to the original so as not to spoil the humor
Did you hear the one about the surgeon who told jokes as he examined his patient? He wanted to keep his patient in stitches. Puns are always bad but they do put a smile on your face even when you are sewing, knitting or quilting.
They say humor is the best method and to get a laugh today, just continue to read our article. It is filled with jokes and puns intended to make you smile. The references we used to compile this list will be a part of each section.
“My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer-songwriter.”
“I can’t remember any sewing jokes, I’m running out of material.”
“My wife’s sewing machine isn’t working properly. Not sure what’s wrong with it though, it just seams a little off”
“How did you know the thief was a seamstress? She seemed to be following a pattern.”
“What do you call a gathering of quilters? A block party.”
“A clean house is a strong sign that the sewing machine is broken”
“My dream world? A place where the fabric is free and sewing make you thin”
“Girl: Hi Doctor, have you found out what my condition is yet? Doctor: Yes, do you like sewing? Girl: Yes, but what does that have to do with any of this? Doctor: You seam-stressed.”
“Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? Because they drop all their needles”
“What did the quilter blame for having too many children? Reproduction fabric.”
“Why couldn’t Santa convince the quilter to come to visit? he didn’t have enough backing.”
“I’m only hugging you to see if that fabric is wool or polyester.”
“My sewing instructor just told me that I am the absolute worst student she has ever had...
Oooops! Wrong thread...”
“So mike Tyson is vacation in Egypt. He is having a great time but slowly begins to run out of things to do. A few days go by and he even grows tired of gawking at the pyramids. He’s searching for something to do! He heads to his local marketplace. There he finds a book on ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs and a sewing kit. He thinks to himself,“Thith will work!”
He’s in his hotel room sewing away and reading to hieroglyph book. He gets to the last page of the book and sees that the last symbol is scratched out of the book! In that very moment of mild frustration he accidentally sticks himself with the needle. He yells,
“Ouchie! I’m just mithing a thymbol!”
“As you sew so shall you rip.”
“What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew!”
“I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the sewing room upstairs to my bedroom downstairs. Alas, I dropped it from the top of the stairs and by the time it reached the bottom there was stuffing everywhere, and all of the thread had come loose. It appeared I would have to live without my pillow or sew its seams.”
“I shouldn't tell sewing jokes, I'm always running out of new material”
“Up, down, up, down..Now out to the sides and down and across... Aaaand stretch, stretch! - This sewing class is working wonders for my aerobics!”
“Don't be silly doctor, this is a fabric collection not a hoarding disorder!”
“Who You Callin' A Fat Quarter?”
“How can you tell if a sewing machine is trustworthy?
If it seams legit”
“What did Jean-Luc Picard say when Engineering offered to fix his electric sewing machine?
Make it sew!”
“I come from a very musical family
Even the sewing machine's a singer”
“A woman at a sewing machine factory has worked there for 40 years, working at an assembly line. A party is held to celebrate her 40 year work anniversary.
At the party, the director of the factory gives her a gift: a fancy watch. She asks the director: "Why a watch? I would have liked to have gotten a sewing machine, I could really use one."
The director tells her to talk in private. When she comes up to him after the party, he tells her, "If you had taken a few pieces every now and then, you would have a sewing machine now."
The woman answers, "I have taken a few pieces home, but I'm having trouble building a sewing machine out of them. I always end up building machine guns."
“I want to say comforters are superior to quilts
But I don’t like to make blanket statements.”
“Did you hear about the guy that quit his job at a quilt filling factory?
He said he was fed up of feeling down...”
“My friend told me he holds a world record in quilt making
I suspect his whole story is fabricated.”
“Have you ever heard of the lady who was accused of being the infamous Quilted Killer?
She's innocent until proven quilty.”
“The quilter died and went up to the Pearly Gates. (It doesn’t start well, but it gets better….) There, she was faced with a choice: she had lived her life so that she could either go to Heaven, or Hell – her choice. She was pretty sure this would have all been decided by now, and she was pretty sure where she wanted to go, but she was also a very curious quilter.
She asked Saint Peter if she could just take a look at what might be awaiting her in Hell.
They entered a huge room (anyone ever been to the Houston Quilt Festival? Bigger than that!), with tables and chairs. There were quite a few pleasant looking quilters sitting everywhere. But it was what was in the middle of each table that caught her attention: a wonderful huge pile of fabric. She thought she’d died and gone to Heaven!!!
She made up her mind on the spot, and turned to Saint Peter: “I know that Heaven is probably very nice, but I’ve decided that I want to stay here, thank you.”
As the door closed quietly behind him for all eternity, everyone at the tables turned to her with a smile on their faces and said, with one voice:
“Did you bring the needles?”
“If they don’t want me to dance in the Yarn Aisle, why the heck do they play the music?”
“10 Things I Want In My Life:
Friends with Yarn
A big house for all my yarn
Money for yarn
A husband who is ok with yarn
A big car to fit my yarn
A room for my yarn
“I’d be happy to pick you up at the airport, but the back of my car is full of yarn my family doesn’t know about.”
“Wool you just let me knit in peace?”
“I’m one of those people you have to keep an eye on, or I’ll wander off into the Yarn aisle and forget to come back!”
“This witch can be bribed with yarn and chocolate.”
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can purchase Yarn which is kind of the same thing isn’t it?”
“Teacher: "What's your hobby, Mary?" "Knitting and swimming."
"But doesn't the wool get soggy?"
“The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform
You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios”
“A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway... Glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting...
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn,and yelled, "PULL OVER"
"No!"the blond yelled back," its
“How do you describe a guy who loves knitting but only does the manliest designs? Male pattern boldness.”
“I was planning on doing some knitting. But I will knot.”
“I got pulled over while driving because I was weaving too much. I told the cop it’s my first time knitting, so I’m pretty slow at it.”
“I missed my last two knitting club meetings... I hope when I return I'm not out of the loop.”
“What happened to the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? It had mittens.”
“Well I was working on my sheep farm. We had just sheared the flock and spun the wool into yarn. As I was dying one skein of yarn green, a lamb wandered over and fell into the tub of dye. By the time I rescued the poor thing, he'd already managed to turn himself completely green.
Well, a little later, a city-slicker was driving by and saw the green lamb frolicking on a hill. He drove in and I greeted him out in the driveway. He asked me if green lambs were common, and I told him they weren't. He offered me *ten times* the value of the lamb, so naturally I sold the lamb to the man.
Pretty soon, I was dying them blue and pink and orange and selling them for way more than they're worth.
And now I'm the biggest lamb dyer in the world!”
“A Tailor Had His Eyes Replaced With Yarn Balls... ...So now he has fiber optics.”
“What did one strand of yarn say to the other? I'm not ready to dye, I still have a few ends to tie up.”
“Everybody in the village agreed that I did an excellent job of sewing their mouths shut. After I left, they were humming my praises. “
“My sewing instructor just told me that I am the absolute worst student she has ever had... Oooops! Wrong thread...”
“I'm trying to think of a sewing pun but I'm really struggling. I needle the help I can get”
“Coffee: you haven't had enough until you can thread a sewing machine needle while it's running.”
“Hey, bro, I need a 50 dollar bill." "What? Why do you need a $50?"
"I want to buy a thimble."
"A THIMBLE?? What do you need a thimble for? And since when were you into sewing anyways?
"Thewing? I need it for my drumthet.”
“My tailor became a lawyer. Now he's sewing everyone”
“So my wife got a new sewing machine this week and I know what you guys are thinking.... ...sew what?”
“A nun was losing sleep over whether or not to take up sewing She heard it could be habit-forming”
“I just bought a sewing machine I needed to get my sheet together”
“After a bad cut, I asked the ER nurse if I could do my own stitches.
She said, “Suture self.”
“My daughter told me this one today and it had me in stitches. Two goldfish are in a tank...
One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"
“What's the first rule of tailoring club? Britches get stitches”
“The bear decided to walk down the street and he stumbled across an alley where he heard some weird sounds. Being a teddy bear, it figured no one would care if it saw them as long as it acted natural. So it went to see what was happening.
The bear noticed an infamous criminal beating a man to near death. This bear was rather cowardly and did immediately panicked, which the criminal noticed. He waked over and picked up the bear making threats toward it. The bear swore it would be silent on the matter, and never said anything to anyone.
Time passed and the bear was noticed by a stray dog, who took interest in it. The teddy bear could sense that it was about to be eaten and ran away while the dog chased it. The dog eventually caught up to the bear and took only an arm before walking away dissatisfied. The bear was in terrible pain, but remembered something that might help him. He immediately went to the police and reported the criminal he saw previously.
When the police went to the criminals location they discovered a lot of illegal evidence. They arrested him on the spot and thanked the bear. However the bear was not interested in praise and immediately went to the cuffed criminal.
"Before you go away, can you fix me up?"
"Why would I do that?" The criminal responded.
"Well I lost my arm, and you told me that snitches get stitches."
“Out to lunch with a friend when he noticed a button was coming lose from his jacket.
Me: "you should learn how to sew, I've saved so much..."
Him: "so many"
Me: "yes, I do sew many clothes"
“Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
“Never go to a doctor who does standup comedy on the side.
He'll leave you in stitches.”
“My friend always wears this jacket which has LED lights stitched onto the back.
He is such a LED-back person.”
“Read about a new website called www.needleinahaystack.com. Took me ages to find it.”
“A friend with knitting needles told me he has a pattern for sunglasses. I think he’s trying to pull the wool over my eyes.”
“I’d tell you a joke about a blunt needle but it’s pointless.”
“The most impressive thing about it taking twelve sheep to make a jumper is that I didn’t know they had any knitting needles.”
“I bet some friends I could manufacturer a sewing needle. It was a silly challenge but I made my point.”
“A group of friends with needles are part of a clothes knit community”
“Good acupuncture is a jab well done”
“I would tell you a joke about a needle in a haystack, but I don’t think you’d see the point.”
“A police officer spotted a man driving along the motorway with knitting needles. He got his attention and shouted “pull over!”. The man looked back and said “well, I think of it more as a jumper”
“The gals were all at quilt retreat, near a main street in town. That morning, a funeral cortege went by, and one woman from the group stood reverently at the window as it passed. On the way from the church to the cemetery, it passed the window again, and again the woman stood quietly to watch it go by.
Another woman at the retreat noticed, and said to her “I’m so impressed by the reverence you showed to that funeral. It’s very thoughtful of you.”
The woman said to her: “It’s the least I can do: we were married for over 36 years!”
“You know you are a Quilter If........
There's more Fabric in the House than Food
"Fat Quarters" are not the heaviest part of your body
Your ironing board is always set up but you never iron clothes
You think of your job as an interruption of your quilting time
You pet Fabric
People are always picking threads off you
You can measure a scant 1/4 by eye
"Featherweight" Doesn't mean Boxer
You clean up your sewing room & your family thinks you are moving out”
“A recent study has indicated that fabric gives off certain Pheromones, that actually hypnotize women and cause them to purchase ungodly amounts.”
We hope you enjoy these funny lines. And that they kept you in stitches throughout your reading this list. We excluded those jokes with profanity, erotic hum,or and the ones that were too sick to read.